Insert exciting post title here

Hello bats! I've had a really rough couple of weeks with a serious illness in the family, quarantining, narrowly avoiding covid, struggling to finish all of my coursework, getting swamped at work... but I wrote my final exam last week! Chel is a free elf...for the summer at least ( ´ ▽ ` ) I celebrated (admittedly several days early) by buying myself tickets to the Interpol + Metric concert coming up this summer!! I'm beyond excited. I was a huge fan of Emily Haines and Metric as a young teen, and seeing them together with Interpol is basically my 14-year-old self's dream lineup. I also preordered their new album on vinyl because I was totally blown away by the two singles they released. I've been listening to Something Changed on repeat for days.

I also have a new obsession: Coca Cola Starlight Zero. It's really hard to find here for some reason, and it's limited edition so I feel like I need to hoard it. I've been obsessed with it ever since it came out...it tastes so weirdly chemical and artificial, yet delicious. I would describe the flavour as a mixture of Diet Coke, cherry, raspberry, cotton candy, and aspartame. Nobody I know actually likes it but I can't get enough of the "space" flavour - I am an alien, after all.  ♪:.(◡‿◡✿).:♪ Also, I love how the pink/red/purple colour scheme perfectly matches my new Outre wig!

Now that school isn't hanging over my head, I can work on some of my big spring projects. One of my major tasks is that I want to clear out my lolita wardrobe as well as my daily wardrobe. A friend introduced me to the Notion app and helped me set up a wardrobe page, so I've been steadily chipping away at it and assessing what I actually own - I have a lot more pieces than I thought I did! My style has changed a lot over the past few years but my current wardrobe doesn't really reflect that. I have lot of things that are hanging around for no real reason aside from sentimental value and my inability to let go of things that are still useful - even if I no longer have a use for them myself, or if I don't find myself wanting to use them.

A lot of my clothing was only really suitable for clubbing and events...I don't need that much PVC at this point in my life, haha. I still like going to goth nights occasionally but not as regularly as I used to (and of course I haven't gone out dancing since 2020) but I'm more interestested in attending concerts, and I tend to just go in my work clothes. I'm not really fond of my edgy Lip Service type of stuff these days. And I've kinda moved on from the romantic goth look too - it's a bit too femme for me. I prefer my more androgynous looks. Can't wait to get rid of all of this stuff on Depop. I can't believe how much zoomers will pay for outdated goth-in-a-box crap these days, but I'm not complaining.

I also want to add purple to my wardrobe, mostly in the form of accessories. I've been scouring Lolibrary for anything purple, but it's surprisingly hard to find stuff that I like even though it's a trendy colourway now. Even Taobao has very few pieces that are appropriate for gothic, even though Taobao brands tend to be super on top of trends. AatP seems to have some pretty good options though! And Antique Beast opened today, so I grabbed a headdress I've been thinking about for a long time, as well as a few accessories. The exchange rate was too good to pass up. I'll take photos once they arrive since I've never seen anyone review these pieces.

I'm also respectfully looking at the new Moitie set. It's kinda funny - even before I saw that the name of the set was Sanctuary Vampiress, I was thinking that it looked like something a sleepy vampire would wear. And I'm really happy to see mob caps in lolita again. After cutting my hair I find that a lot of accessories just don't work as well as hats do, and mob caps are so cute and comfy! Ultimately I think I will pass on it, just because it's lovely but it's not necessarily super practical. I'm sure if I have second thoughts later I'll be able to find it secondhand (famous last words, possibly). I can also just sew my own mob cap...

I guess I can consider my no-buy officially over at this point - I lasted 6 months, which is a record for me. I'm proud of how I did. I did buy a good number of things from Antique Beast (have to make that DHL shipping worth it, after all) but I didn't go over my allotted budget. I've also thoroughly broken my habit of impulse buying a dress whenever I'm stressed or upset, or just because I think it looks cool. I resisted so many impulse buys that I definitely would have regretted in retrospect. I want to do another anti-haul post to show all of the things I didn't get and why!

I also have time to pursue my hobbies again, like longboarding and drawing. I've also gotten back into gaming. Last year in addition to my usual Mass Effect playthroughs I replayed my old faves Deus Ex, System Shock 2, and Silent Hill 3. I also finished most of Cyberpunk 2077. My friend mentioned a game called Alisa and I downloaded the demo months ago, but I stopped playing after a short time because I am so bad at tank controls. It's kind of like a mashup of Resident Evil 1, Silent Hill 1, and American McGee's Alice. Plus, the characters are wearing lolita! I'll have to try it again. I also have to finish my replays of Doom Eternal and Fallout: New Vegas but it's been slow going.

Gaming used to be a big hobby for me, but now I really only play in short bursts and then don't pick up a single game for months at a time. I'm kind of interested in more peaceful games now, like story/novel games and survival games. I tried Before Your Eyes and while it didn't make me cry, it was a very touching and sweet story. I think I need a  break from all my depressing/scary/violent video games and even though it was very short, it was a comforting change of pace from my usual games. The Mass Effect series is my "comfort" game series, but it's emotionally heavy and the third game always leaves me feeling a little sad. That all being said, I really want to try Ghostwire and the new Ghostrunner expansion...

As much as I love gaming, I'm not keen on wasting entire days glued to games anymore. I'm trying to focus my energy into more productive hobbies, like working on this blog! So many entries in drafts...I've also been drawing a lot too. Likely going to need to open up commission slots again to help finance my Coca Cola Starlight stockpile ٩(｡•́‿•̀｡)۶ haha!

Anyway, that's it for now...

 [Current Music: Foals - Lonely Hunter]

I've officially survived my Saturn Return 🪐

(❁´◡`❁) I don't usually delve into personal stuff on this blog - which is a bit odd, since it's a blog, after all - but I thought this was worth sharing. In astrology, the Saturn Return refers to the transitional period when Saturn returns to the same position it was in when you were born. Saturn is a planet that offers up challenges and lessons, and reminds you of the weight of your choices and responsibilities. If you made poor choices earlier in life, your Saturn Return can be a harsh lesson in consequences - fuck around and find out, basically. I definitely fucked around and found out, but I'm much better for it in the end.

(As an aside, I don't really believe in astrology, but I love to study it because I really like learning about convoluted systems and rules.)

During this time period I learned so much about myself and it put a lot of my past experiences into context. I learned that I am neurodivergent and that informs a lot of the behaviours and personality traits that make me offputting to others. Not sure how I didn't figure that out sooner, to be quite honest. I mean I have the bog standard, garden variety anxiety disorder (and depression, which has thankfully long since been dealt with) that pretty much every other millennial has at this point, but knowing that my brain is literally wired differently from everyone else's just kinda tracks.

I also learned a couple of other things during this process, like it's okay to have and to enforce personal boundaries. I am not obligated to make myself emotionally open and available to everyone on demand. It's not selfish to prioritize my own emotional and mental health over other people. And perhaps mostly importantly, I now know that I don't need to beat myself up for not perfectly meeting the standards that neurotypical/allistic people set for me. It's okay if my barometer for success looks different from other people's. I still have many things to work on, but I'm proud of myself for coming this far. Every year, I get stronger and wiser - and I think I look prettier the older I get, too. (´͈  ᵕ `͈ ）

Welp, that's pretty much all I have to say on that.

I bought some birthday treats for myself! A hardcover edition of Ghost in the Shell 1.5: Human-Error Processor and 3 copies of CYBR Magazine. I've been reading a lot more print media these days...trying to avoid doomscrolling. Granted, I'm not sure that reading about cyberpunk dystopias is any better, haha. I'm also reading through Neuromancer for the first time since high school and just...wow, a lot of it was lost on me as a kid.

I got another tattoo too! I've been wanting a Vampire: the Masquerade tattoo since like...middle school (Tremere for life, yo!). It was probably the only tattoo idea I came up with from middle school that I'm willing to even consider as an adult, haha. I like the idea of subtler nerd tattoos. People who like VtM will recognize the ankh, but people who don't know about VtM will still just see an ankh.

It's still fresh in this photo so it looks kind of gross and scabby, but it looks marginally better now.

Lastly, some coord photos! I find that as time passes I care less and less about having flawless, unique coords...I just want to be comfortable and put-together. I'm not sure if I'm getting bored or if I'm just comfortably settling into my style now that I'm happy with my collection. I just don't feel the need to put in huge amounts of effort every single time, you know?

The only thing that makes this difficult is my new hair. It's so short that it's impossible to do the updos or braids that I used to wear, and it's too big to work with rectangle headdresses unless I put it up. I have to figure out a good compromise that doesn't involve wearing a wig because again...effort, haha.

Dress: Moi-même-Moitié Velour Lace OP
Headdress: Moi-même-Moitié Rolled Rose Headdress
Socks: Moi-même-Moitié Ribbon Cross OTKs
Accessories: Moi-même-Moitié
Shoes: Yosuke

That's pretty much it for now. I'm still working on converting my old video scripts (and a few unfinished/unpublished videos) into blog entries but I hope to have some interesting ones posted soon. Cheers and thanks for reading!

[Current Music: Massive Attack, Tricky, & 3D - Take It There]

Happy World Goth Day 2021!

Hello bats...wishing you all a healthy, happy, and safe World Goth Day 2021! I always thought it was a little bit cruel that WGD is in May...every May 22nd, without fail, it's stupidly hot and humid out here. Spring and summer are especially hard on goths! I don't have air conditioning, so I'm melting even though I haven't left the house. According to the thermostat, it's 29°C in my bedroom, so the last thing I wanted to do was do my makeup and hair. Can't even open the window because of the pollen apocalypse outside. Sigh.

At least my pajamas are kinda festive? I'm in spiderweb-print leggings and a Beetlejuice shirt. And I looked cute at work the other day, too. I don't have a lot of summer clothes so I was kinda scrambling to find something wearable - it was 34°C that day! I bought a cute Kuromi insulated bottle so that I could carry cold drinks to work. Can't wait until Starbucks starts letting us use our own bottles and tumblers again!

Not too much has been happening these days, but I do have a piece of exciting news: I got my second dose of the vaccine on Wednesday! No side effects other than tiredness and a sore arm, just like the first dose. The doctor made sure to avoid my tattoo, which was very considerate. Not sure if vaccination can disrupt a healed tattoo at all, but I don't want to take any chances since the shops aren't open for touch-ups. As soon as they reopen, I'm going in to get some more work done. I have a few things in mind right now: I want a Patrick Nagel-styled portrait, a vampire castle, an ankh, and a butterfly.

I'm on a no-buy since I'm saving up for the tattoos, I need new work clothes...and I also want to buy a condo. Not to mention, I still have tuition to pay. My closet is stuffed to bursting, too. So I'm trying to limit my purchases to replacements of things that have worn out, or things that I absolutely need.

For instance, the tote bag I've been carrying every day for about 5 years has finally started to wear out, so I lucked out when I found a used Strawberry Switchblade tote bag on Mercari! Isn't it cute? It's a little faded, but otherwise in good condition. It arrived a few days ago, and I've been decorating it with pins and things. I've ordered a few band pins and patches to decorate the right side of the bag. I'm also going to add snaps along the top so that I can close the bag.

Speaking of recent purchases...the other thing I purchased recently is...a longboard! As a young kid I was obsessed with Tony Hawk, Thrasher, X-Games...I even used to skateboard little bit, but I was never really any good. I cruised (well, wobbled) clumsily around the neighbourhood and I couldn't even ollie. I sort of bought it on a whim. I've always hated commuting by public transit (too slow, too crowded), but it's gotten markedly worse since the pandemic started. I've seen so many people nodding off, shooting up, fighting, flashing, and worse on the subway and streetcar that I only take it if I absolutely need to. Plus, a lot of people still refuse to wear masks or keep their distance. I have to get off the streetcar/train and either walk or wait for the next one so often that I figured I might as well find a better way to commute. So I picked up the Rayne Future Killer 35"! It's a downhill/freeride board, so that should be good for riding my hilly commute.

I strapped on my helmet and pads and headed over to a nearby park with a big parking lot. There were tons of kids around, and I even saw a teen girl skateboarding around. I remember getting picked on as a kid for being tomboyish and liking skateboarding, and the boys were pretty mean and dismissive towards skater girls, so it's cool to see girls still taking it up. It's been fun so far! I'm not very good, so I've been trying to practice a little every day after work. I got a little too confident on day 3 and decided to hit the streets where I tried to take a tiny hill, tried to bail, and slammed my shoulder into the pavement. So back to taking baby steps at the parking lot, haha! At least the view is nice.

Anyway, that's it for my boring life update. Time to get back to video editing, since I did sort of plan on uploading a few things before ditching my channel for good. Thanks for reading, and see you soon!

[Current Music: Siouxsie and the Banshees - Slowdive]

Back from the Dead

Wow, it's been a minute since I last posted, huh?

I was called back into work on June 1st after about 10 weeks off, so I didn't get much of a break. But I really enjoyed being able to wear lolita at home or just walking around the neighbourhood, even though everything was closed and I couldn't visit anyone. After returning to work I tried to keep wearing lolita and fun clothes regularly, but it just got too exhausting. After coming home I immediately strip off my scrubs and put all my work stuff in a separate area, shower, eat, and prep my things for the next day...by the time I finish it's usually around 8PM, and the absolute last thing I want to do after a long day is do my hair and makeup just for a video chat or an outfit shot. Plus, it starts getting too dark for evening photos here in like...September. It makes me so sad to see my closet gathering dust.

A couple of other things happened, too. I don't like to get overly personal here (which I suppose is a bit weird, considering that this is a personal blog) so here's the summary: I'm working full-time while attending college, some personal and family health stuff going on...caring for others while needing a little bit of TLC yourself kinda sucks. I just need to decompress when I get home, so I've been rewatching some beloved TV series and replaying my favourite old games. Buffy, Star Trek, Fallout: New Vegas, and Mass Effect are largely responsible for getting me through this pandemic.

There's also that whole trying-not-to-die thing. I'm not immunocompromised, but the people I live with are, and I have heart and lung issues. And, you know, working in a high-risk profession and commuting via public transit. My driver's license is also under a medical suspension (not that I could afford to park downtown anyway, mind you), but I can't get it reinstated because the test I need has been deferred indefinitely due to the pandemic. 

Oh, and I have to get all my wisdom teeth pulled out at the ripe old age of 29. Don't most people get that done in high school?!

So that was a whole lot of whining, but I'm actually feeling very good about things, for the most part. I have sought help for my longstanding mental health issues - probably about 15 years overdue, but better late than never! I got my hands on some gorgeous new (well, old) lolita pieces, my finances are in great shape, I have thoroughly kicked my "I'm sad so I'm going to buy stuff to fill the void" habit, and I'm doing extremely well in my college courses. Positive vibes all around!

A pile of Kuromi stuff I bought when I was sad to fill the void. Justified, because it was my birthday.

One other bit of good news: apparently the provincial government now considers me to be a frontline healthcare worker (I think our professional association leaned on them a little bit), so I'm in line to get the vaccine soon-ish...? I hope? I think once that's taken care of, my priorities will change from simply avoiding dying to actually having fun with fashion and silly stuff again.

Taking a step back has also given me some time to reflect. I've also been considering leaving my local lolita community as well as the greater online lolita community. This wasn't triggered by any single event, and I don't have any major issues with anyone in particular...I just feel like these spaces have run their course for me, and I'm more comfortable interacting with the people in my close circle. Seeing how some lolitas (and people in general) have been acting out online because they're broke, bored, and jobless under quarantine just makes me want to run far, far away. I simply don't have the time or patience to entertain the absolute circus that is the online lolita community anymore - I'm too employed for this shit, you know?

It's also given me some time to evaluate my closet a little bit. I will always be loyal to Moitié, but I'm also more interested in trying out a few other brands and styles of gothic just to change things up a little bit. I've always really liked military and nurse themes, even outside of lolita, because I am like every other stereotypically edgy goth/industrial kid. I'm really hoping to get a few military Boz pieces, and a few more Boz pieces in general. And to make room for the new stuff, I'll need to purge my closet, so I'll announce when I'm closet cleaning.

 

A few of my purchases from the past few months. I can't wait to coordinate them!

To continue on the topic of self-reflection...I like blogging, since journalling has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. I started a YouTube channel because at the time I had no goth friends, and I wanted to interact with the goth community on YouTube. It was definitely a lot smaller and friendlier back then. I started making lolita fashion videos because there weren't really many other gothic lolitas on YouTube, and I was bored. My channel grew quite a bit more than I expected, which was kind of cool, but quickly became overwhelming. I'm not a particularly good videographer and I tend to just ramble on and on and on, so I'm not exactly sure why people kept watching, but here we are - I'm at almost 20,000 subscribers.

So it turns out that I actually don't really like being in the spotlight very much. I'm not one to take harsh criticism to heart, but even when you generally get a lot of positive feedback, sometimes the nasty comments get to you. But that's not really the thing that bothers me - it's the people who try to dissect your entire life and personality based on how you present yourself in a short video. Seeing people speculating on anything and everything about my personal life was sort of funny at first (according to one comment, I'm 6' tall and a total bitch at meetups) but quickly became profoundly uncomfortable, and it makes me not want to share anything personal or deeper than surface-level.

I'm thinking of ending it for good. I have quite a few videos in the works I'd like to finish, so it won't be soon or anything...but much like the online lolita community, it's run its course for me. It's been a good ride, but I prefer quietly blogging about my adventures instead. It's easier to be low-key, and I like my privacy.

Anyway, it's about time to wrap things up. Thanks for reading, and for sticking around for this long!

[Current Music: Solemn Novena - Missa Solemnis]