Wow, it's been a minute since I last posted, huh?
I was called back into work on June 1st after about 10 weeks off, so I didn't get much of a break. But I really enjoyed being able to wear lolita at home or just walking around the neighbourhood, even though everything was closed and I couldn't visit anyone. After returning to work I tried to keep wearing lolita and fun clothes regularly, but it just got too exhausting. After coming home I immediately strip off my scrubs and put all my work stuff in a separate area, shower, eat, and prep my things for the next day...by the time I finish it's usually around 8PM, and the absolute last thing I want to do after a long day is do my hair and makeup just for a video chat or an outfit shot. Plus, it starts getting too dark for evening photos here in like...September. It makes me so sad to see my closet gathering dust.
A couple of other things happened, too. I don't like to get overly personal here (which I suppose is a bit weird, considering that this is a personal blog) so here's the summary: I'm working full-time while attending college, some personal and family health stuff going on...caring for others while needing a little bit of TLC yourself kinda sucks. I just need to decompress when I get home, so I've been rewatching some beloved TV series and replaying my favourite old games. Buffy, Star Trek, Fallout: New Vegas, and Mass Effect are largely responsible for getting me through this pandemic.
There's also that whole trying-not-to-die thing. I'm not immunocompromised, but the people I live with are, and I have heart and lung issues. And, you know, working in a high-risk profession and commuting via public transit. My driver's license is also under a medical suspension (not that I could afford to park downtown anyway, mind you), but I can't get it reinstated because the test I need has been deferred indefinitely due to the pandemic.
Oh, and I have to get all my wisdom teeth pulled out at the ripe old age of 29. Don't most people get that done in high school?!
So that was a whole lot of whining, but I'm actually feeling very good about things, for the most part. I have sought help for my longstanding mental health issues - probably about 15 years overdue, but better late than never! I got my hands on some gorgeous new (well, old) lolita pieces, my finances are in great shape, I have thoroughly kicked my "I'm sad so I'm going to buy stuff to fill the void" habit, and I'm doing extremely well in my college courses. Positive vibes all around! |
| A pile of Kuromi stuff I bought when I was sad to fill the void. Justified, because it was my birthday. |
One other bit of good news: apparently the provincial government now considers me to be a frontline healthcare worker (I think our professional association leaned on them a little bit), so I'm in line to get the vaccine soon-ish...? I hope? I think once that's taken care of, my priorities will change from simply avoiding dying to actually having fun with fashion and silly stuff again.
Taking a step back has also given me some time to reflect. I've also
been considering leaving my local lolita community as well as the
greater online lolita community. This wasn't triggered by any single
event, and I don't have any major issues with anyone in particular...I
just feel like these spaces have run their course for me, and I'm more
comfortable interacting with the people in my close circle. Seeing how some
lolitas (and people in general) have been acting out online because
they're broke, bored, and jobless under quarantine just makes me want to
run far, far away. I simply don't have the time or patience to
entertain the absolute circus that is the online lolita community anymore - I'm
too employed for this shit, you know?
It's also given me some time to evaluate my closet a little bit. I will always be loyal to MoitiΓ©, but I'm also more interested in trying out a few other brands and styles of gothic just to change things up a little bit. I've always really liked military and nurse themes, even outside of lolita, because I am like every other stereotypically edgy goth/industrial kid. I'm really hoping to get a few military Boz pieces, and a few more Boz pieces in general. And to make room for the new stuff, I'll need to purge my closet, so I'll announce when I'm closet cleaning.
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| A few of my purchases from the past few months. I can't wait to coordinate them! |
To continue on the topic of self-reflection...I like blogging, since journalling has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. I started a YouTube channel because at the time I had no goth friends, and I wanted to interact with the goth community on YouTube. It was definitely a lot smaller and friendlier back then. I started making lolita fashion videos because there weren't really many other gothic lolitas on YouTube, and I was bored. My channel grew quite a bit more than I expected, which was kind of cool, but quickly became overwhelming. I'm not a particularly good videographer and I tend to just ramble on and on and on, so I'm not exactly sure why people kept watching, but here we are - I'm at almost 20,000 subscribers.
So it turns out that I actually don't really like being in the spotlight very much. I'm not one to take harsh criticism to heart, but even when you generally get a lot of positive feedback, sometimes the nasty comments get to you. But that's not really the thing that bothers me - it's the people who try to dissect your entire life and personality based on how you present yourself in a short video. Seeing people speculating on anything and everything about my personal life was sort of funny at first (according to one comment, I'm 6' tall and a total bitch at meetups) but quickly became profoundly uncomfortable, and it makes me not want to share anything personal or deeper than surface-level.
I'm thinking of ending it for good. I have quite a few videos in the works I'd like to finish, so it won't be soon or anything...but much like the online lolita community, it's run its course for me. It's been a good ride, but I prefer quietly blogging about my adventures instead. It's easier to be low-key, and I like my privacy.
Anyway, it's about time to wrap things up. Thanks for reading, and for sticking around for this long!
[Current Music: Solemn Novena - Missa Solemnis]
